To all comedians, writers and opera playwriters: stop making jokes about airplanes!, this includes airport jokes, admiral's club jokes, flight attendants jokes, airplane food jokes, airplane beverages jokes, airplane seat and seatbelts jokes and passport jokes. Yes, it was nice in the late 80's with your mullets and moonwalks, but isn't it getting old? listening to all these people from the Seinfield school of comedy going, "you know, what about airplanes?, why don't they give you more peanuts?" Because now peanuts are kind of illegal so no one tries to kill nobody with this venomous snack and flying is not really weird anymore, even if you have never been in an airplane you get the idea: you get in, you fly, if you don't crash you get to the floor and see some bastards holding a sign with a name at the arrivals door, end of story.
First of all, flying is beautiful, you have nothing to complain about. If your flight got delayed is not because the pilot said: "Fuck this guy in particular, I would rather loose my christmas than letting him have his". No, of course not! The planes get delayed due to any possible malfunction, but if you rather crash into the ocean be my guest and start your own brave airline who never stops for questions, nor gas and takes no shit from any mechanic and air traffic controller. You get delays so you get to live my brothers and sisters! You win time on earth so do something with that, you can help and ol' lady with her ungrateful drug addict sons or drop some knowledge over the starbucks counter.
Stop making a big deal if your flight got cancelled. People act like if it is a big catastrophe that 34 folks can get to Paris on a Thursday afternoon, people get mad and start crying "why aren't you doing something about it?" Well sir, you still get to sit for 7 hours straight, we are not taking that away fron you, also we won't be giving you any blankets or U.N. food relief so you can grab a bottle of our water and wait until we find you another flight or you can tell the person at the frontdesk how much the company sucks and see what you can get with that. You are not a hero, firemen! Firemen and doctors are the real heroes; unless you survive a 700 KMPH free fall and you have to eat a copilot's frozen butt before you make it to the nearest town I will call you a survivor, not less, not more. So you don't deserve any special treatment if your flight got cancelled, they will find you another one. If you have an emergency the world's not gonna wait for you either; yes, you will miss your daughter's ballet recital, by the way she isn't that great of a dancer either, also you are not gonna cure your loved one's cancers and the global market will do fine without you, the evil corporations are quite autonomous. We are fine. We don't need you right here right now, but it would be nice if you come by.
Don't complain also about your seats. It's an old play of the system to divide us, rich vs. poor, but the real loosers are the rich. They drink wine from a juicebox and wear some headphones that someone just used a few hours ago. We all get a seat granted, if the plane falls we all gonna die and if the plane arrives safely we all gonna be there. First class has to watch the same shitty Jeniffer Aniston movie and hears the same 3 hours long R&B radio channel. It's the same, just really expensive, as gourmet canned food.
The food? It's plane food, period. They are not in charge of feeding you and they still do it. They give you chicken and bread and clean water, you even get to eat vegetables sometimes, "But the food is terrible", as if you can cook something better for like 300 people with a microwave and you pray none of these punks ask for a gluten-free option. If someone complains about the food they're given I go "Well, it seems you are not really hungry" and take away the crackers and the salad to give them to the hungry children in the Economy class seats. In the old legend of Sinterklaas it says he was flying Business class in Delta and he had an epiphany so he turn down his seat and gave his fresh OJ with vodka to a less fortunate soul so he could spend his life as an hermit in Tourist class seeking for illumination, now he comes back on christmas eve to all the major airports of the world giving peanuts and airport meals coupons to kind souls and giving delays and randomly selecting naughty people for security double checks.
Your lost luggage is also not that important. Like a wise luggage carrousel lady once told me "If you brought it aboard it will be there", if someone steals yours joke's on them, seems to me really useless to drive all the way to the airport to steal a bag full of unknown underwear and some Denver souvenirs, at most. Fly with your valuables close to you, don't expect them to be safe at all time, learn some combat techniques and defend your stuff.
There's always dumb people everywhere, so you will hear everything on a plane, don't be too rough on them. We usually are traveling to face some problems or because we think we have some place to be. All these people with suitcases and switching from powerpoint slides to dress-up games on their tablets think they have to be there, the family traveling south think they will reunite with grandma, the junks who are going to Cancún really believe in happynes and infinite youth, don't take that away from them, just fasten your seatbelt, say thanks for the snack if you are given any, don't scream to people travelling with children, they have it worse than you and please don't be an asshole, the only ones allowed to throw shit from mid-air are the birds, they only let us share the skies with them.
P.s. you can still do Harry Potter being raped and rape jokes.
Sincerely yours,
Abduhl Mahjmahed The Great III
Douche and Duchess of The Gruyère Islands.
