It was 9 in the morning and the coffee was bad as usual, damn department, they can get all the Colombian drug on the border but they can't check if any of those bastards is carrying any coffee. There's a folder calling my ass for a new case, I hope there's something nice like a dog rescuing a kid with polio or maybe it's just some crazy guy with a windbreaker trying to rob the pizza place.
-Please tell me these are the new pictures for Vogue.
-Not today son, this came out this morning. - Newman always called me "son" every time he could, but actually I don't believe he is my real father.
- Remember our friends from south of the border? - said my wannabe-dad.
-You mean Carlitos?
- They are having troubles, and the governor want us to be prepared if the thing keeps growing.
-"Us"?, like, you... me... this cup of coffee. We need a lot of back up I mean, have you tried this coffee?
-I did and I regret it every day of my life, but we are gonna need everything we can get hold on, even your "world's best teacher" cup. Can I ask about your dark past as a teacher? How did you end up in here?
-Like I told you before, I drop out from law school and never shot the wrong guy. And I got the cup at a swap meet.
-I thought you were more interesting.
-I am, seriously, last summer I went camping and got abducted.
-Really. By who? Aliens?
-Come on, I'm not crazy, it was some weird mountain dude, he said I was trying to steal his gold.
-How do you get in this scenarios.
-I don't know Newman, if that's your real name. - I'm pretty sure it's not.
-It is.
-Well, "Newman", this whole everyday-real-world you think we live in, is actually wrote by some blogger named $hakes-spear.
-Whit the dollar sign?
-Yes, he or she...
-Or it.
-Or it, is actually like Mel Brooks on pills and this coffee. - I drink again from my mug to make my point, it's painful.
-What if Shakespeare...
-It's $hakes-spear, you have to make the sound of the dollar sign. -I had to correct him. -It's like in french.
-That makes even less sense than your theory of a cosmological blogger.
-Internet is a big thing, I tell you.
-I don't believe in the matrix, nor the postal service.
-You would deny there is a mailman.
-I suppose there is one, but I have never seen him.
-So you are kind of a mail agnostic.
-I don't think that means what you think it means.
-Oh, now you have a master's degree in English.
-Come on son, it's Greek 101.
-But the word was coined in an English book in 1869.
-"A" means no and "gnosis" means knowledge, so no knowledge of something. In my case I can say there might be a mail person because I keep getting bills in my mailbox, but I have never seen how that happens. I believe in the mail, I've seen it, that would make me an agnostic of the mailman or mailwoman, not a mail agnostic, but in the context of the original use of the word "agnostic" in mail-person agnostic you can imply that I say there's no way to know if there's some metaphysical entity or idea delivering the mail. - Damn, he got me good, he must be attending community college or something.
-So, what's whit this folder?
-You won't believe it.
-Try me. -I really need to get amazed, I tried that Disneyland thing, didn't work. I mean, it's always a mouse or hot girls on a parade full of more mouse, I'd rather be at Charlie's, they have good beer, the music is just at the right volume and even if the girls look bored they're not bad...
-Are you listening, son? - Shit.
-Yes, that's amazing.
-What's amazing?
-The case, I just can't believe it.
-Yes, and we still don't know how he did to get rid of the monkey and all that candy. he's trying to set me a trap.
-You know what they say man, "Grab a monkey from the back to get all sweet to the front".
-How did you never got shot? First you don't pay attention to the answer of a question you just asked, and then you make up an old saying totally meaningless not to say confusing and scary. I'm not wasting my morning on you... - Maybe he is my real father.- ...you can read the details anytime you need on the file, that's your copy, I got mine.
-You don't like to share, uh?
-Not really. Now I have to get on the phone, you start reading the file and collect all the back story you can find on any name you read, got it?
-Search and destroy, got it.
-We are not bounty hunters, we just need to keep the shit from the other side of the state line.
-But why we never try to flush the toilet before the shit gets out, or maybe eat some whole wheat or fiber I mean, shit doesn't has to be like... horrific.
-Look son, in my 26 years of running this department I tried, I really tried, but that's not how this world works; you just work really hard to stop people from killing other people, but that doesn't stop the killing. There will always be crime: robbery, sexual assault, loitering, littering, pyramid schemes, negligence, hate, war crimes, reality TV, margination, murder and you know we can keep going 'till lunch, but God forbids anyone to say I don't do my best to protect them citizens and my team from any other asshole who tries to hurt them. Crime won't disappear even if you lock'em all, it's something bigger, I learn that. Now could you please stop fooling around focus on that file?
-I already opened it... and already stained it with coffee. Just one last question.
-I'm not sharing my file with you.
-No, it's not that.
-Alright, what's the question then?
-If I get shot and die working in a case, will you go all vendetta on the people who killed me?
-No, I'm old, I would just call the colocation office telling them my detective is broken and I need a new one.
-You're mean... and old.
-You're dumb... and I can't even pronounce your name.
-Hondrokookis, it's greek.
-I'm tired and it's not even 10 in the morning, just do the back story thing on the file, me and the president will be very thankful.
-I'll do it, but just because I like Carlitos and I want to get a ride in the presidential Cadillac.
-Guys greater than you have tried.
-And those were grrrreat men, but I'm better.
-Oh yeah?
-Yes, I'm smart and real, Mr. P needs to hang around people like me.
-Mr. P is very busy defending us from the communist and Al Qaeda. Now, don't bother me, if there is any situation that needs my attention don't call me and don't call my brother in law, last time wasn't funny at all.
-Come on man, he has a smart guy name, "Dany Robinson" and I needed help.
Newman just closes the door to tell others the conversation has just finished, like in the movies, but I have bigger plans for him but first things first, there's this file full of bad guys and a boring day for me, I will check it out as soon as I finished checking my emails and decide my number for next Sunday's lotto, mmh... I should call Carlitos, he always have good numbers and maybe he can tell me something before I fall asleep on this folder full of nasty coffee, damn cartels, they should carry some coffee with them too.
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario