chaos and No dj ch.3

Why does work has to be so...? Oh right, it's work, and turns out I'm somehow... lazy?

I'm pretty sure it's all my mothers fault. She was the one doing all of my chores for me since I was born. I didn't have to cook or even clean myself, all I had to do was to cry and my mother will come running; man, those were days, but not anymore.

Now let's see, I don't really remember Carlitos' email, but I once submitted him on a religious mailing list, he said joke's on me because now his computer was receiving serious blessings and he was getting the gospels' true message. That's why I like Carlitos, he can always turn something lame like spam mail into something helpful for salvation.

Here it is, the precious email; now, how can I say I want to talk to him?

"Dear Carlitos:

I'm doing fine over here, I just need a haircut..."

Wait, what kind of letter is this? My hair is just so, and maybe Carlitos doesn't care at all about hairdoes, I mean, I've seen his combing, so "bank cashier" style; Nope, delete.

"Carlitos:

You know what's funny? Toasters..."

No, what's wrong with me? Toasters are scary as a clogged toilet, no, actually they're more like a predator, the alien species who likes to hunt schwartzeneggers in the woods, but the toaster is a predator that doesn't hide, because you see it all the time just waiting to jump at you. That's right! The funny thing is how you get yourself into a situation which makes your heart stop and for which you are never ready; that's life itself, when you're on your own challenging the rest of the world asking out the hot girl, doing a job interview, raising a child or doing some toast, it's always a surprise, but at the end you have that warm and crispy piece of bread, or that warm a crispy woman... or a warm and crispy child. I chose the bread tho', you can spread some butter or jelly on it, well you can actually do it on the woman too, and over the child... well, there has to be someone who would, but that's always questonable and you can't tell it to anybody.

"Dear Carlitos:

You know what's funny? Toasters. I know, they scare me too, but why do we buy them? There are those little electric ovens or just this weird pan thing with the grill you can use on the stove to make toast and yet we still have a toaster sitting there just making all the kitchen so damn tense, waiting for us to get our guard down; there's no way around, the name of the machine itself seals our destiny, it's crazy man, I tell you.

Ever wonder why people pay to get scared? Mee too, there are a lot easier ways to do things but the fear brings the fun to the table. That's why there are a lot of people doing risky stuff like crime, war or telemarketing, they are crazy, and then there are even crazier people like us who try to stop them. Just imagine we are both big trains running agains a Hyunday full of explosives and bump stickers, the freaking car has nothing to loose anyway, it's condemned since a long time ago, so we hit one, maybe two and every once in a while we hit a truck or a minivan; we both know us trains gonna stop one day, maybe not by our own choice..."

Not our own choice.

"... but there will always be trains and cars, just crashing and burning it all.

I actually think we are the crazier ones, you know? Because we trains must go over the railroad, we have the law, that's what conduct us, the car doesn't give a shit about the railroad, they can go anywhere; if the car wants to the train will never hit it, it can be even like a hoover just going all over the water or dirt just laughing at the angry train..."

-Just calm down! Would you?- That was Katy, it seems that I was writting too hard. I knocked down my framed selfie at the Clapton concert and some pens.
-I'm sorry Katy, you know how I get while playing tetris.
-I don't care if you are having a shootout in your drawers just keep it down.
-Sorry Katy, I was pinned down, but I surrounded them and got them from behind my stapler.
-You mean my stapler? - below the stapler there's a sticker which says:

"This is mine. You take it, you dead."

Katy hasn't even looked away from her monitor, maybe if I keep it quiet she will think I died or left.

-I'm still waiting for my stapler, these papers can't be all over my desk just like that.

I have to give it back.

-I will approach slowly and unarmed to the desk area with the stapler you requested, I beg you ma'am not to try anything crazy and everything will be fine.
-You will never make any good in a hostage situation.
-I already did, there was that robbery...
-That one from the soap opera some students were filming in your neighborhood.
-First of all, they were amazing actors; and for my defense they were using just a handycam, it looked like they were doing some crime to upload it to the internet, you know how kids are.

-I'm pretty sure you do, and I'm also sure you won an Emmy for your role as "Weird Cop Who Makes Children Cry". - That's Morty, a generally OK guy but usually really anoying, he feels like a big star since he caught that ball just over the fence in the softball game in the department's picnic. Some gray hair like Peter Parker's boss, the shades always on the shirt's pocket, yellow teeth and a wannabe million dollar smile, like some used car salesman from eastern europe. I don't know if I should hate him or ask him how is his day coming.

-Well Morty, I acted according to the protocol.
-You first tried to soda-point a kid with a BB gun.
-Then I was fast enought to draw my gun and tell him to drop his.
-His toy gun. But hey, he will think it twice before he tries to make a bad movie.
-I also vowed to protect the integrity of the cinema. You will thank me for Hollywood's third golden era, now if you excuse me, katy? I'm very sorry I took your stapler, it was an emergency.
-It's alright sweetie, I've told you if you need something just knock on my door, but don't make any noises, the neighbours suspect something. - I like Katy more than Morty
- I'm pretty sure if I answer that I can get some harassment lawsuit, so I will just nod my head. - I'm nodding my head but katy isn't looking, just Morty, he's smiling. -And now back to my desk, the department's desk... the citizens' desk.

-You are not running for mayor.
-You never run Morty, that's right, I heard you hyperventilate climbing the stairs. Now, I don't want to keep being rude, so just go back to wathever you are doing and I'll go back to mine, you are free to imagine anything I could be doing over ther but remember, it's not real. I'll come back to you later to ask how your day is going, see ya!
-Got it. - He's smiling now, I don't really dig him, but no hate man, no hate.

I have to put my desk in order again, mostly because I have no idea how to continue my letter; letters are hard, mostly if you're writting friends you haven't seen in a while. This email is going nowhere, I think I will go for an abruptal ending.

"... Carlitos, there's work to do and we need you.

Sincerely yours..."

The phone rings, my phone rings, I haven't got any call since last tuesday; the phone keeps ringing, I need to make a decision quick, I'm pretty sure it's trouble, but that's why I'm in this job...

-Are you deaf?! Answer already, you don't have your own secretary!, and that goes for all of you people in this department! You answer your own calls, make your own photocopies and if someone evers tells me to redact a memo it will be your obvituary!

-Sorry Katy, it's to create some drama. - I pick up the phone, they haven't hung up from the other side of the line.

-Hello? This is detective...
-Shhhh... don't talk, just listen.

Maybe I should redirect this call to Morty.

Chaos and no Dj ch.2

Man, last year I visited Carlitos, it was very cool and the ladies were very hot; actually most of them were hot, maybe 80% were cute, half were solid 8's and then there were the french, they're a whole new case, mmh... maybe I should do a file on french girls instead of doing this crap; damn, the folder now smells like my mug.

-Katy, how can I dial to Mexico? It's a Pentagon thing.
-You are not allowed to make any long distance calls since the issue with Newman's brother in law, and the Pentagon told you to stop calling them, if they need you they will find you. Maybe you can murder someone I don't like so they can page you.

Katy is just adorable, like a cool aunt who got old. - Come on Kitty Kat, who do you want out of the way? The butler? The handyman? Senator Johnson?

-My dear, would you commit a murder just for a long distance call?
-Or a long distance relationship. -I've read some novels.
-How would yo do it?
-That's the most important step: don't say how would yo do it. If I tell you, you could set me a trap.
-I think I'm a step ahead of you.
-You already killed the butler?
-No.
-Senator Johnson?
-No, I haven't killed anyone.

How does she acts so calm? I'm pretty sure she killed an idiotic alcoholic ex, I have to use all my skills as a detective: -Let's say I want to kill my wife and I put a little poison in her coffee mug at work.
-Like I been doing all these years with you? I told you as many times as you said you love me: this is the coffe we get, if you don't like it you can bring yours from home.
-I'm a lazy lover.
-I know, you have to pay special attention on the little details.
-Oh... you cut your hair! You look adorable.
-Too late sweetheart, and you are not getting that international call.
-How will I get in touch with Carlitos then?
-Use the email like a normal person, I know I'm old but even I catched up with that.
-I'm an old fashioned lover.
-That's why you don't get laid enough.
-Uuuh, that was low. Let me take you out for lunch.
-Club sandwich and a shake at Larry's.
-Larry's? I was thinking more of a kebab and a beer.
-This is not highschool sweetie, I choose, and you are not getting that call either.
-Alright, alright you win. Lunch at Larry's then, it's a date.
-I'm flattered.
-You should, this happens like every 6 years.
-What happens? A girl who lets you take her out for lunch?
-Ha.. ha.. ha, you are playing very dirty today.
-That's how you get away with murder. Don't worry, I will kill you after you pay my sandwich, then I'm gonna cut you and turn you into kebab meat; you see? it's a win-win situation.
-I'm scared, but makes sense.
-1:30 boy, don't forget; maybe you should come 30 minutes earlier so you can meet my dad.
-I'll be there with flowers and all combed up saying "Hello Mr. Insert Name Here, I came to take your daughter out on a responsible, innocent, naughty-free date at the soda fountain so we can meet each others a little better, talk about patriotism and critique the moral values from our generation".
-He would still kick your ass for such insolence.
- I'll take my chance.

Lunch at Larry's, it's like that movie "Brunch at Tiffany's", just with lunch instead of a brunch and Larry instead of Tiffany; I don't know, I never saw that movie, neither I have seen Larry, maybe there's no Larry, maybe Larry stands for something else, like the quest for good food or the search of satisfaction, maybe all we do during our mere existence is to search for Larry, then once we find Larry we will be free, but for what? Should we die once we find Larry? That doesn't make sense at all, we can still enjoy a sandwich even if we can't get fully satisfied.

If I'm rolling with any group of monks it would be a mess; life, still not fully satisfying isn't that bad, I surely would interrumpt the morning prayers with something like "Guys, can we have some french toast after this? I know where to get some great grape jelly, unless you did a jelly-free vows, whatever you call them that's cool, that's cool"; we do suffer anyway, why would we do it on purpose? Maybe there's life after death and then whoever's in charge would say:

-Man, you did lived the boring life; no, wait, you just lived and died later after. I mean, waking up at 5 am every day, no food until noon, no kisses, not even a single guitar solo; I saw it, I have all your life here on blue-ray double disc special edition 7.3 channel audio with extra scenes and the "behind the scenes" segment, I have to say your father's technique is quite impressive but you didn't bother on trying, I know because I watched it with your own memmories on audio commentary. Maaaan, I mean, just maaaan.

I wonder how it will be when I die, maybe there are different gods in charge of different group of people, like some kind if regional management; like if I died and it turned out my god was supossed to be that elephant guy and no one knows why I wasn't assigned to the right god because my file got lost between some electricity bills and...

Damn, the file. It smells like my mug.

Supervillanoz

¿Cómo lidian ustedes con su odio? Algun loco hará yoga, otros algún deporte o escribir quejas en blogs, mi favorita sin duda es tomar acción y convertirte en un supervillano.

No un mero delincuente robando borrachos en la madrugada, no le haces mas daño que lo que se tomaron, hablo de tener un ejército de secuaces, mercenarios o sindicalizados, así mueves un dedo y los Libres y Lokos, con "K" para los que no sepan, arrazan una aldea en Europa del este, sería Rumania destruida a palos, banderas y tamborazos por gente hablando como argentino, todos te temerían y construirias tu imperio del terror; sin darte cuenta estarás en una videoconferencia con el consejo de seguridad de la ONU dando un ultimátum para disparar tu rayo de la muerte, que nadie cuestiona cómo conseguiste, ni cómo funciona, ni cómo siendo un rayo, osea algo que actuando de forma dirigida y puntual va a destruir el mundo, en el que tú vives, por que nadie cuestiona a los supervillanos; nada de lo que digas, hagas o pienses se puede poner sobre la mesa y hacer una lista de pros y contras, ¿por qué? Es de mala educación. Ya lo dijo el gran Michael Scott una vez: "No llamas retrazado a una persona con retrazo"; me gusta cuando la gente no se da cuenta y en el podio de un evento dice "Lo sentimos, estamos algo retrazados", siempre imagino a los presentes con corbata y babeando un poco más de lo normal y con la mirada perdida y aparte pidiendo perdón por su naturaleza, esto es por demás ridículo y lo hace gracioso. Debo aclarar que no es tan válido usar el retrazo mental para la comedia, pero más de uno de ustedes lo ha usado para insultar, lo que los hace peores que yo.

Por solo una vez quisiera ver a un pueblo u organización multinacional que elija como líder a alguien con retrazo, o con síndrome down, que ni siquiera es tan incapacitante, y ver qué es lo que pasa. A lo largo de la historia hemos puesto gente de cierta forma "sana" al frente y nunca funciona, el imperio mas exitoso no duró más de 1000, 1200 años, ¿entonces por qué le temen a un presidente que se lleve todo a la boca y coloree afuera de las líneas? Digo que ya probadas y fracasadas la izquierda, derecha, centro-izquierda, que es una mamada, social demócracia, consejos de ancianos raboverdes, teocracia, fascismo, monarquía absoluta, parlamentaria, encuestas en facebook, soviets y demás organizaciones piramidales y comunas yo digo que ya es hora de poner al frente a alguien con un cableado diferente, pero no lo hacemos, ¿saben por qué? Por que le tenemos miedo a los supervillanoz, aunque es más bien como una relación de pégame pero no me dejes; lo siento, estamos algo retrazados.

Me da más risa aún que la gente piense que los supervillanoz son ficción, que nadie se pone un disfráz, escoge un tema y se pone al tú por tú con países enteros; esto es algo bastante serio, se ocuparon 3 países para hacerle frente a Paraguay, se ocupó medio mundo para hacerle frente a la Alemania que vino de una crisis de entreguerras, aquí estamos hablando de un solo hombre, que tiene una capa y tal vez truzas sobre licras que usa en público, enfrentándose a los Estados Unidos de América que tienen el mayor arsenal nuclear de la historia de la humanidad. ¿No les parece inspirador? No señores, los supervillanoz existen, los superhéroes son puro pedo.

Daredevil chasqueando para echarse maromas, todos podrian escribir cosas en hojas y burlarse de él las 24 horas, a Superman ya lo habían podido matar, la actriz que hizo de gatúbela dijo que era imposible escalar con tacones y la gente como Batman esta haciendo negocios, no agarrándose a putazos con nadie. Bill Gates ha salvado más gente con su caridad que la población que haya vivido en ciudad Gótica en todas las películas de Batman, incluyendo la de Adam West. Toda la gente con alguna mutación no degenerativa que le dé cierta ventaja sobre nuestra fisionomía humana está en circos o atrapada en laboratorios médicos, trabajando para los supervillanos, de hecho, todos nosotros trabajamos para los supervillanos.

"No, yo trabajo para Disney", "Yo trabajo en la universidad", "Yo tengo una carpintería con mi papá"; cambiemos "Disney" por "el PRI", "universidad" por "prisión" y "papá" por "Hitler", ¿ven como no cambia el sentido de sus frases en lo absoluto?, igual en vez de PRI diría Soriana para la de Disney. Pero sí, todo el mundo está inmerso en una batalla de supervillanoz y nosotros somos sus secuaces. ¿Vieron el caos de Jalisco? Vandalismo se usa para definir a un adolescente confundido rayando una pared, eso lo hacen niños de 3 años, aquí estamos hablando de que derribaron tu helicóptero militar, de 30 millones de euros, construido para la guerra, esto no fué durante un reporte del tráfico ni un rescate en una tormenta, alguien, desde el piso dijo "esto me lo chingo" y lo hizo, ¡púm! 30 millones de euros y secuaces quemándose en el piso. Estas cosas se veian en Vietnam o Afganistán durante una guerra entre dos ejércitos, aunque Afganistán no tenia ejército y aún asi lograron derribar helicópteros. No hay forma de negar que esto es algo más grande que los comunistas, Kony, Osama, Gadaffi o cualquier otro villano que se nos haya ordenado odiar. Por que todo esto son villanoz contra villanoz Juniors. Somos los secuaces de Obama matando niños en oriente, somos secuaces del PRI-PAN-PRD-PVEM-MORENA trabajando en las minas para hacer las balas que se disparan contra los campesinos. Somos una gran organización malvada compañeros, esperando a ver quién reina para ponernos a su servicio.

Entonces digo que sería entretenido intentarlo, buscarte un disfraz, hacer un kickstarter en internet, por que eso nunca lo aclaran, el científico siempre tiene dinero para construir cada mamada, muchos de nosotros no podemos ahorrar nisiquiera para comprar un microscopio y este wey tiene alguna forma de generar la energia eléctrica para su laboratorio, alimentar a sus soldados, darles seguro médico, algunos tendrían familias. No veo simplemente cómo, con Lex Luthor fueron perezosos, ¿de dónde salen los fondos para que este tipo enfrente a un alien supermamastroso? Ah, cierto, ya era millonario, y la gente sigue comprando sus productos. Creo que tal vez si de pronto Slim, Dios no lo quiera, se pusiera un leotardo y amenazara con destruir Mérida la gente de todos modos seguiría pagando sus celulares, ¿Cómo no apoyar a nuestro líder?.

No soy un gran fanático de los cómics, por lo que no se si hay un supervillano, de esa versión romántica envergada de conquistar el mundo que haya venido desde abajo, primero robando borrachos en la noche, para luego pasarse a dominar una pandilla de ladrones de autos, de ahi a cosas mas serias como narcomenudeo y trata de personas y así hasta llegar a ser el loco capa y maquillaje que puede, de alguna forma, destruir el mundo y sus derivados. Dudo que lo veamos por que sería una historia tan esperanzadora como esas peliculas de gente con retrazo que encuentra el amor o el niño negro que juega futbol americano y muchos lo intentaríamos y quién sabe, tal vez algún dia un supervillano con síndrome Down se haga de un rayo de la muerte y le dé un giro interesante a nuestro aburrido planeta.

chaos And no dj ch.1

It was 9 in the morning and the coffee was bad as usual, damn department, they can get all the Colombian drug on the border but they can't check if any of those bastards is carrying any coffee. There's a folder calling my ass for a new case, I hope there's something nice like a dog rescuing a kid with polio or maybe it's just some crazy guy with a windbreaker trying to rob the pizza place.

-Please tell me these are the new pictures for Vogue.
-Not today son, this came out this morning. - Newman always called me "son" every time he could, but actually I don't believe he is my real father.

- Remember our friends from south of the border? - said my wannabe-dad.
-You mean Carlitos?
- They are having troubles, and the governor want us to be prepared if the thing keeps growing.
-"Us"?, like, you... me... this cup of coffee. We need a lot of back up I mean, have you tried this coffee?
-I did and I regret it every day of my life, but we are gonna need everything we can get hold on, even your "world's best teacher" cup. Can I ask about your dark past as a teacher? How did you end up in here?
-Like I told you before, I drop out from law school and never shot the wrong guy. And I got the cup at a swap meet.
-I thought you were more interesting.
-I am, seriously, last summer I went camping and got abducted.
-Really. By who? Aliens?
-Come on, I'm not crazy, it was some weird mountain dude, he said I was trying to steal his gold.
-How do you get in this scenarios.
-I don't know Newman, if that's your real name. - I'm pretty sure it's not.
-It is.
-Well, "Newman", this whole everyday-real-world you think we live in, is actually wrote by some blogger named $hakes-spear.
-Whit the dollar sign?
-Yes, he or she...
-Or it.
-Or it, is actually like Mel Brooks on pills and this coffee. - I drink again from my mug to make my point, it's painful.

-What if Shakespeare...
-It's $hakes-spear, you have to make the sound of the dollar sign. -I had to correct him. -It's like in french.
-That makes even less sense than your theory of a cosmological blogger.
-Internet is a big thing, I tell you.
-I don't believe in the matrix, nor the postal service.
-You would deny there is a mailman.
-I suppose there is one, but I have never seen him.
-So you are kind of a mail agnostic.
-I don't think that means what you think it means.
-Oh, now you have a master's degree in English.
-Come on son, it's Greek 101.
-But the word was coined in an English book in 1869.
-"A" means no and "gnosis" means knowledge, so no knowledge of something. In my case I can say there might be a mail person because I keep getting bills in my mailbox, but I have never seen how that happens. I believe in the mail, I've seen it, that would make me an agnostic of the mailman or mailwoman, not a mail agnostic, but in the context of the original use of the word "agnostic" in mail-person agnostic you can imply that I say there's no way to know if there's some metaphysical entity or idea delivering the mail. - Damn, he got me good, he must be attending community college or something.

-So, what's whit this folder?
-You won't believe it.
-Try me. -I really need to get amazed, I tried that Disneyland thing, didn't work. I mean, it's always a mouse or hot girls on a parade full of more mouse, I'd rather be at Charlie's, they have good beer, the music is just at the right volume and even if the girls look bored they're not bad...
-Are you listening, son? - Shit.
-Yes, that's amazing.
-What's amazing?
-The case, I just can't believe it.
-Yes, and we still don't know how he did to get rid of the monkey and all that candy. he's trying to set me a trap.
-You know what they say man, "Grab a monkey from the back to get all sweet to the front".
-How did you never got shot? First you don't pay attention to the answer of a question you just asked, and then you make up an old saying totally meaningless not to say confusing and scary. I'm not wasting my morning on you... - Maybe he is my real father.- ...you can read the details anytime you need on the file, that's your copy, I got mine.
-You don't like to share, uh?
-Not really. Now I have to get on the phone, you start reading the file and collect all the back story you can find on any name you read, got it?
-Search and destroy, got it.
-We are not bounty hunters, we just need to keep the shit from the other side of the state line.
-But why we never try to flush the toilet before the shit gets out, or maybe eat some whole wheat or fiber I mean, shit doesn't has to be like... horrific.
-Look son, in my 26 years of running this department I tried, I really tried, but that's not how this world works; you just work really hard to stop people from killing other people, but that doesn't stop the killing. There will always be crime: robbery, sexual assault, loitering, littering, pyramid schemes, negligence, hate, war crimes, reality TV, margination, murder and you know we can keep going 'till lunch, but God forbids anyone to say I don't do my best to protect them citizens and my team from any other asshole who tries to hurt them. Crime won't disappear even if you lock'em all, it's something bigger, I learn that. Now could you please stop fooling around focus on that file?
-I already opened it... and already stained it with coffee. Just one last question.
-I'm not sharing my file with you.
-No, it's not that.
-Alright, what's the question then?
-If I get shot and die working in a case, will you go all vendetta on the people who killed me?
-No, I'm old, I would just call the colocation office telling them my detective is broken and I need a new one.
-You're mean... and old.
-You're dumb... and I can't even pronounce your name.
-Hondrokookis, it's greek.
-I'm tired and it's not even 10 in the morning, just do the back story thing on the file, me and the president will be very thankful.
-I'll do it, but just because I like Carlitos and I want to get a ride in the presidential Cadillac.
-Guys greater than you have tried.
-And those were grrrreat men, but I'm better.
-Oh yeah?
-Yes, I'm smart and real, Mr. P needs to hang around people like me.
-Mr. P is very busy defending us from the communist and Al Qaeda. Now, don't bother me, if there is any situation that needs my attention don't call me and don't call my brother in law, last time wasn't funny at all.
-Come on man, he has a smart guy name, "Dany Robinson" and I needed help.

Newman just closes the door to tell others the conversation has just finished, like in the movies, but I have bigger plans for him but first things first, there's this file full of bad guys and a boring day for me, I will check it out as soon as I finished checking my emails and decide my number for next Sunday's lotto, mmh... I should call Carlitos, he always have good numbers and maybe he can tell me something before I fall asleep on this folder full of nasty coffee, damn cartels, they should carry some coffee with them too.